[	mood	|	chipper	]
[	music	|	Good Golly Miss Molly!	]

The Kmart Strut: 
Another Bodacious Blog Entry by Kenny Casanova

Bert like myself, pretty much has no life but also has very little money, so I had a 50/50 chance of him subscribing to the optional festivities at hand. I called him up and let him no I was craving the sensational scrumptious taste of greasy cold duck meat and General Tso's kitten. Everybody knows that it is a cardinal sin to go to buffet alone. This sin is highly frowned upon by all. I waited and crossed my fingers. Bert concurred. He was down with it!

Two make the trek complete, I added a special bonus to the night. I decided that driving a half hour out to the best buffet in the world, the shangrala of buffets "THE DRAGON BUFFET" was worth it, but the journey would be two-fold because I also wanted to purchase the new WWE Nunzio action figure. (Nunzio is pretty fresh.) He was down. We took off and hit the road. First stop... Buffet!

When we made it to the buffet; there was a line out the door and the rude people behind us stood in the frame and let the cold air in. Yes it was rude, but totally understandable. We all stood crammed in the little space that the foyer allowed, much like when a group of Roller Coaster Riders in line have been waiting under the hot sun for an hour at Six Flags. We all longed to be seated next and figured a few steps closer meant a few steps closer to pork fried rice. You see, the enticing hypnotic scents flooded our engorged nostrils with the warm and moist  scrumptious aroma of broasted cat (boiled & roasted). Food was in the air. We were cold. We were dribbling. No one could help themselves as we waited to be seated. The line was nothing short of TORTURE.

During our stay, there was something that I noticed, but it went unsaid. If a child from somewhere back in the line were to move forward the crowd would look down at the child as if they were attempting to cut in line and then adjust their standing so that the no cutting would be possible. People had been waiting for some 10-15 minutes and invading their space too was like committing a cardinal sin. Another thing that I noticed was that the line consisted of all ethnicities, but seemed to be lacking people of Asian-extraction. 

Looking behind me, I noticed our progress and smiled at the losers who would have to wait as our party of two stepped toward the front of the line. That is about when I noticed two Chinese people stepping to the front. "This is unfair!" I thought to myself, "If these guys get to bump the line because we are all not Chinese, you would think the would at least usher them in the side door or something." However, everyone behind me easily parted the way for them, in a total turn about of how they would not let a youngster even take a step out of line. The two Chinese guys were not to be treated as invaders of personal entitled line-space. The patrons behind me had done the math through racial profiling. It had dawned on the customers behind me, that these were not line-cutters. These were reinforcements for a very busy buffet. More employees means more yum-yums for all, so they easily had my free pass as well.

Once we made our way to the seat, in traditional buffet manner, we did not sit. We stood rudely as the waitress asked for our drink orders (water because we are a couple of cheap round-eyes) and made a mad passionate dash to the chow tables. 

As Bert darted off the the region of Lo Mein and Crab Legs, my first stop rather was the Hong Kong Soup stand. Usually there is a guy there that I call "The Defender of The Duck." The way it works is that small portions of duck-meat are set aside to flavor specially made soups as you wait. For those of you who do not know, Duck is ambrosia, it is the food of the Gods (mostly becasue of its delectably greasy skin) and therefore, it is one of the most savory and EXPENSIVE foods in the whole establishment. Most people do not take large portions of the duck, as the defender casts fiery eyes at those who try. However, I was in luck. As the defender had stepped aside to work on something else, he fed me his back. I emptied the entire hot pan onto my plate in one foul fowl swoop. As I made away with my loot, the Defender Of The Duck indubitably called me "Round Eye Pig" and shook his head. 

We ate like ravenous dogs. I polished away three plates of Fatty Mo' Fatty Beef Ribs, Snow Bird chicken, backed crab, Peking Style Ribs, General Sammy's Kitten and more. I am proud to say that not one vegetable besmirched my plate even once. 

When we had finished, I puked like a roman into a crab carcass and called it a day. We paid the bill happily with full stomachs and made the first stop of the evening to begin the Nunzio Trek... Kmart of Colonie.

Bert said upon entering this fine establishment that he had not been in a Kmart for many many years. There were like no customers to be found and it was strangely, almost scarily silent. However, Kmart still looked the same. Very white, with gaudy red posters everywhere and very cheesy... But it was an ideal place to locate wrestling figures so we ran in silence like swift cheetahs to the toy section. 

It was funny to see an item that I had marked and returned, still on the shelf some three or four months later. I pointed it out to Bert and we both laughed. But alas, I looked in sorrow at the shelf-warming action figures. NO NUNZIO. 

As we turned to head back to the front, the fresh muzak kicked in and was loud as hell. "GOOD GOLLY MISS MOLLY!" It was so obnoxiously loud that I started laughing and stopped as Bert admired a Power Ranger. For some reason, Little Richard got me grooving and even though there was no Nunzio, I started clapping to the beat.

"Bert. This would be a great song to strut to," I said as I did my best Ric Flair impersonation.

Bert started laughing and did it with me. I thought of a Jive Dance that I saw on "Dancing With The Stars" and added a little flavor to it and we laughed so hard and continued to do the "Kmart Strut" all the way to the front of the store until the music stopped. We even did it in the parking lot. A new dance had been born.

Nunziomania. Four hours later we had hit two Targets, two Walmarts, two Kay Bee Toy stores and a Toys 'R Us and still... NO NUNZIO.... However, the Kmart Strut was well alive and continued to live in every store we stopped in. 

We even called the oldies station like four times and bitched out the DJ "Dick Barclay" for refusing to play Good Golly on our request. (Barclay said he was spinning for a 60's show and that Little Richard was clearly a 50's artist.) Barclay said he would play some Beau Brummels instead for us. What a nutsack.

Our Nunzio Trek ended at a Walmart quite near our house. Still NO NUNZIO, but they did have a Joey Mercury and Johnny Nitro two pack. I bought it and Kmart Strutted out the store.

Stay tuned Kenny Casanova fans... The Kmart Strut is coming to a show near you! (And if anyone can find me a friggin Nunzio... email me!)